Chapter 3
Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
I hope that all crossdressers understand me when I say that although I felt good whilst I was in ladies clothing I couldn't help feeling guilty because I knew that it wasn't socially accepted. I used to draw the curtains so that my neighbors wouldn't see me before I was relaxed enough to take off my boring man clothes and put on my new knee high leather boots and a figure hugging tight fit pencil skirt in the privacy of my home. I couldn't speak to anybody that I knew about how normal and relaxed I felt about wearing women's clothes as I was very afraid of what they would say and do, especially my family.
I was sitting at my computer one day wearing a silk cream blouse, my favorite black pencil skirt and a pair of shiny black patent shoes with a little buckle strap. I was feeling confident and safe in the confines of my home when all of a sudden the door bell rang. I remember having a full panic attack and started to strip off,hide the evidence and quickly got changed into mans clothes. By the time I got to the door whoever it was had gone. At that moment in time every piece of women's clothing I owned was thrown away. I would have been mortified if I had been caught. When I wear women's clothing I feel invigorated, at peace with myself and relaxed but the second there was a threat at being found out what I was wearing, my emotions would stir up and the peace would be replaced by fear and apprehension. I clearly had to find a way to stop having these mixed emotions.
It took me a long time to pluck up the courage and speak to other cross dressers over the internet and I am thankful that I did because that's where I met Jane.
- Zoe
I watched a news program about a man who felt that he was a women trapped in a mans body and wanted to have transgender surgery to turn him into a woman. The man was talking to a specialist gender therapists explaining why he felt that he really needed to be transformed into a woman permanently. This made me realize that I had never once thought about actually becoming a woman, in fact It made me realize that I also enjoyed being a man very much even though I equally enjoyed being a cross-dresser. This is something I cannot explain and never have since the first time those stockings were pulled up and the sense of being a few inches taller wearing my heels. I also knew that I was not a gay crossdresser as I fancied women a great deal and enjoyed clubbing at weekends and coming out with a hot chic on my arm at the end of the night.
As the internet grew, more information was becoming available for crossdressers, transvestites and the transgendered community for which I was really happy and relieved about as I knew then that I was not alone. Before the age of the internet I did not know how many other men like me wore dresses and spent their time looking through women's magazines so they could get ideas on what to dress up in. It took me a long time to pluck up the courage and speak to other cross dressers over the internet and I am thankful that I did because that's where I met Jane. Click to read chapter 4
