THE ONLINE MAGAZINE FOR CROSSDRESSERS, TRANSSEXUALS & ADMIRERS
Tuesday, September 23rd, 2014

Crossdressing Husband

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Crossdressing Husband – Advice for the Female Partner

Have you either caught out or found out that your long term partner or husband cross dresses?

How did you feel when you found out?

I bet you wasn’t exactly over the moon was you?

Perhaps you went silent and listened to him or maybe you cried and screamed at him. Whatever you did I bet it was a great shock to you.

Now that you do know, it’s time to understand why he does it and what it means to both him and you.

A lot of crossdressers have a moral dilemma which is the fear of rejection, especially if they are in an established heterosexual relationship. For any crossdresser, telling their partner that they crossdress is a huge concern because let’s face it, it’s not exactly normal is it…or isn’t it?

One of the reasons you love your man is because he’s macho, the one who will protect you from danger and the one you feel safe and secure with. Going back to prehistoric times the man was the hunter and the provider.

I know this because I got a black eye once by someone who insulted my girlfriend, I stepped in and lamped him and he lamped me back. My girlfriend was forever grateful and she pampered me back to full health in ways that I only could imagine.

But how can he protect you if he’s wearing a dress!

Men crossdress for lots of different reasons and understanding the reason will go a long way towards the future of your relationship with him. Once you are over the initial shock take the time to listen what he has to say. Your partner will owe it to you to tell you as he has everything to loose if he doesn’t.

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  • donna martinez

    hello,my name is donna and my boyfriend is a crossdresser even before we started dating he told me about it and i totally excepted this,i have never ben happier.the thing i am concerned about is that he also told me that he has ben with men but yet he doesn't trust me even though he says he is in love with me but i feel he would prefer to be with a man and yet he says he's not gay.

  • donna D

    I’m looking for advice! I suspect my boyfriend is Crossdressing, I find his 23 year old daughters panties, clothes or shoes stashed in various places around the house. sometimes my things or my 15 year old daughters things. when I have questioned him he gets very angry. The first few times he assured me it will not happen again. Nothing to worry about bla bla bla. But yet he rally never will tell me any truth. And I am one of the most understanding, tolerant, and patient woman you will ever meet! How do I ask him without starting a fight? in the last 8 months our relationship has suffered greatly. I love this man with all my heart and worship the ground he walks. please help me!!!!!!!!
    thanks Donna D.

    • CrimichDrop Dead Fred

      Don’t ask him. just smile and say “I love you and it’s ok.”

  • Anonymous

    Hi Donna,

    This is a difficult question to answer because there are lots of different reasons for your husbands actions.
    The only advice I can give you is through my personal experience which is that he maybe embarrased about it and by being angry is his way of dealing with it to show how much of a man he is. This is how I acted at first towards anyone that questioned me.

    One of the biggest fears of a crossdresser is the feeling of rejection from loved ones and ‘loosing face’ as a husband and a dad. Having an understanding wife is more of an exception rather than the rule so you will need to play it carefully in order to get to the bottom of it.

    Maybe take him shopping and try on some outfits yourself. If you see something maybe whisper in his ear ‘I would like to see you in this’ to gauge his reaction. It may just open up a bit of conversation by letting him know that you are OK with it and just want to understand. Don’t push for answers straight away though!

    You may get an angry response at first but it will be definately be playing on his mind on the way home.

    Let me know how you get on.

    Zoe xx

  • hurt

    I JUST RECENTLY FOUND OUT THAT MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN CROSS DRESSING, HE THREW OUT THE WIG AND MAKEUP AND SWORE HE WOULDN’T DO IT AGAIN, BUT I KEEP FINDING THAT HE IS WEARING MY RED LIPSTICK. HE SAYS IT’S JUST A FETISH ABOUT RED LIPSTICK HE HAS HAD SINCE A BOY, I’M AFRAID IF I INDULGE A LITTLE LIPSTICK HE WILL BEGIN TO WANT TO TAKE IT FURTHER AGAIN.

    • Drop Dead Fred

       Let him.
       There is no reason for you to be hurt by his behavior. If he did not love you he would not have married you.
       His cross dressing has nothing to do with your own sexuality. The fact that he didn’t tell you actually shows that he feared your disaproval and potentially loosing you.
       I can honestly say (as a man) that the vast majority of the time our desceptions are more focused on a need to protect our families from being hurt than as a means of getting what we want or on occasion even need. 
       In a nut shell. The steriotypical male environment is one of strength, responsibility, sacrifice, and protection. These are the dictates that we as a social group place apon each other. Thay are ingrained within us from an early age. They are traditionally unflexable and therefor non allowing of any seeming weakness.
       Weakness opens up the potential of someone else taking advantage of your family. 
       Allowing him the need to express his softer side is an issue of trust. In that it displays that You trust Him.
       Without trust you have nothing. Without trust all these things traditionall ingrained in the male steriotype only serve to enslave him. Resentment will build and your marriage will faulter and most likly end because of it.
       If you find it difficult to honer his needs due too your own discomfort and yet wish to maintain your relationship then my suggestion would be couples therapy to help you deal with the issue in hopefully a constructive manner. You may even try to provide him some private time to be himself once in a while if you are truely that uncomfortable with his crossdressing.
       Just remember. This is a part of him. If you love him you need to love all of him. In every relationships there needs to be balance. In order to achieve this balance both sides need to make concessions. In an Ideal relationship no concessions are needed to achieve this balance. There are NO ideal relationships.

    • Kiracarress

      let him alone bitch. Just like my wife searching constantly to get rid of stocking and fetish mags and my  panties and hose. All i wanted was to be honest and be her bitch and hose periodicly.  I think marriage done but will find woman to share with as made me more loving and rounded not to mention a far better lover into sensuality,selfless giving of pleasure and incredible explorative sex.  Also excellent at properly taking care of beautiful lingerie and silky stockings and pantyhose.  The last two relationships wife would just ball them up and trow into washer/dryer with big pile of other clothes, then wondering why they look like shit when  put on briefly 6 months later.   Also wondering why i quit buying Victoria Secrets and all her very nice hose and panties diappear.  i have them on and being taken care of unlike a lot of woman that just rip them off as soon as they get in house or have orgasm.  live,love and explore your sexual prowlness instead of being the fridgid, closeminded, fish that my ex wife was that wore boxers and 3 layers of scuba gear to bed.

      Sincerely,

       the “senuous and loving” new woman “Kira”

      PS  Go to adult store and get yourselve a nice vibrator and dildo and ask him to join you.

  • Rose

    Hello, my name is Rose and have been married for 28 years. I came home unexpectantly once from work 5 years into our marriage to find him wearing my nightgown and nylons. We talk about it from time to time but since he has been retired with more time on his hands he is getting deeper into porn, stories, has his own web site with pictures. Wish there was a support group out there or do I seek counseling. He is truly addicted.

  • love is everything

    Ladies, if you love your men, you have to listen to them and tell them they are free to talk without any judgmental response, warning him that you may feel some very strong emotions and you need him to respect your very valid feelings as well.

    My husband of 14 years is the most amazing dad, friend, protector, lover I could ever have wished for. Just tonight a girlfriend was telling me how he talked to her for 20 minutes one night about how much he wished he could protect me from everything (I almost died three years ago after my son was born and this caused some long-term health problems) and that he was the most devoted, loving man she’d ever heard.

    I found out about his dressing on accident in a pretty horrific way and was at first convinced he’d been cheating or intended to cheat. I cornered him, not angrily at first but very directly, demanding answers, telling him I was going to leave so he’d better start talking. I am also 8 months pregnant, making this more dramatic.

    He knew he was going to lose me and to his credit, he laid it all on the line…not at first, at first he started to lie, but we’ve been together since we were both very young and I continued cornering him, very directly saying, “This is it. If you want to save our marriage you absolutely can not lie right here.”

    He believed me and by the end of the day he came completely clean. It was a horrible, heartbreaking day, but at the end of the night, angry I’d been lied to but willing to listen because of his candidness, we sat on the sofa and I told him I wanted to ask some questions and I needed clarification and understanding. He went back to his childhood, went over his entire history, including telling how he’d fallen so “insanely” in love with me that he was terrified of me finding this out about him and he left it behind for a while, mostly because he was so enamored with me he didn’t really think about it for a few years.

    A lot of stress had come into our lives (we lost a pregnancy, several lay-offs and other difficulty transitions), and it came back. He had gone to great lengths to hide it from me because he was deeply ashamed and thought something was wrong with him; it was very confusing–and because he couldn’t bear the thought of losing me and believed he would. He told me he’d thought of telling me many times but came back to that. He thought I would reject him and he wanted me more than anything, but this is something about himself I think he can’t change.

    Anyway, I’ve always been pretty open about gender, not believing in gender-indoctrinating our kids for example, believing that gender is sort of fluid and on a spectrum, so although I found this foreign and scary and needed to know what it meant, I was very sympathetic to how sick he’d felt all these years keeping this secret to himself, and felt very special to be the only one who had ever known. I felt like his revelation and I could see his very real grief and pain. He’s a man of few words and doesn’t express his emotions easily, so this candidness went a long way with me and I believed him. I told him there could be no more secrets, that he must tell me everything, that anything else like this would surely destroy us. But I thought how much he must love me for carrying this deep painful secret and hiding it from me for fear of losing me.

    I won’t lie…I was very scared and still am about what this meant. I had so many uncertainties–what did this mean for our relationship? His sexuality (as it turns out crossdressers are more likely to be straight than the general population)? How he sees me (this was a big one for me–am I pretty to him in girl clothes? does this reflect on my femininity?). What about our sex life? Would he want to wear dresses now? I told him we both needed to learn as much as we could about this and that he would have to answer all of my questions with patience and honesty if we would make this work and he would have to understand this was very confusing for me.

    He was so…joyful…that I was willing to listen to him that he agreed to everything, and he even told me at one point that he didn’t want me to have to talk about this anymore tonight, encouraging me to take a break and not push myself too fast. He held my hand, which he never does, and said things to me that he’s never said, how beautiful I am, how amazed he is at me. We fell asleep holding hands and woke up the next morning that way…usually he doesn’t really touch me much outside of sex so this was a revelation for me.

    The next day, he couldn’t keep his hands off of me, and when he kissed me it felt as if he was a completely different man…he was so passionate. I could tell the relief was immense…he didn’t have to hide this anymore. He told me he couldn’t believe I didn’t think he was a freak, but I told him there is nothing about him that could ever make me not love him, even if we had split up, and that my plans are to care for him when he is a little old man and hold his hand when one of us dies. He cried–he never cries. I have called him a robot before in moments of anger.

    The lovemaking was incredible, and the next day and night the romance continued. He even sexted me at work. It was a complete breakthrough for us; we’ve been having a rough time in our relationship and had grown kind of distant for a while. It felt as it did when we’d first met…perhaps more electric. The second and third night we talked a long time again, he answered more questions; when I woke up his head was one my shoulder (he usually sleeps on the other side of the bed).

    For me, this is a paradigm shift. All these years, I thought he was just emotionally detached and not very comfortable being physical. Now I kind of think he may have had trouble connecting because he was keeping something so major and shameful to himself that it was impossible to be close to anyone. He is very different now. He’s also more positive and more confident, which I believe has to do with having a woman to know everything and still tell him she loves him unconditionally.

    I told him I may not be ready for him to wear a nightie to bed yet, but that we could take things slow and go forward together. I am starting to think that if this helps him to be a confident, passionate lover (holy mother…I can’t even tell you how amazing the sex has been), a more present husband, and overcome the anxiety and stress that he’s had since our life has been so messed up, I think I can make the concessions. Yes, I do love a manly man, a masculine, rough-handed man, but he still is. This is just a way for him to relax and be a little softer, and since he’s always been pretty stereotypically male in a way that represses his feelings and comes across very hard at times, I am okay with him being a little softer. Besides, when he’s wearing my skivvies, he seems way more concerned with taking all the time I need to have not one orgasm, but several, and when you’re 8 months pregnant and getting that treatment night after night, you really can’t complain, you know?

    I know now that although it’s hard for me to stomach and deeply hurts that I’ve only been seeing part of the picture, he really is the same man I’ve always loved, and I put the dressing aside for me, not vice versa. He wanted me more than anything in this world, and I love him and desire him with all my heart. I have decided to live unconditional love in my marriage, and I promise that if you want to do the same, it can be done and can be unbelievably rewarding.

    He understands that if I am making concessions then he must make them too; no sneaking around, complete honesty with what he wants, awareness that I may not always be comfortable with everything he wants and as such he will sometimes have to put himself second just as I am. He is so grateful to have a wife that lets him underdress with her blessing that he is willing to do whatever it takes. He told me I must be the most amazing wife ever. Good luck everyone! I hope you can be happy as we are. What I thought was the death of our life together has become a rebirth, a true phoenix.

    • Anonymous

      Thank you for taking the time out to share your story with us. It means a lot to have an understanding wife especially if they are able to talk and write about it also.

      Zoe x

    • Kacee022002

      I wish I was that lucky. I told her and all she could say is so you want to be a girl are you going for the operation and hormones. I explained I like womens clothing. It makes me feel better. Only time will tell. I wish mine wife was more understanding.

      • Nikita

        I understand your feelings of liking womens clothing and how it feels on the body. You feel sexy and alluring. My husband after twelve years of marriage has just told me about his desire to dress in private like a woman. At first I was taken aback as I thought it meant he was telling me he was gay, but he says he is a lesbian in a mans body. Which ironically he is really saying he is gay just a lesbian. Our sex life has always been a struggle as I am like a man in my desires to have it often and he was like a woman who repeatedly rejected me with various excuses. Now he is making our love life more of a priority as I love him unconditionally. I like to treat him in bed like he is a woman by kissing his breasts and removing his bra to ravish him as I like to be ravished. Well I guess we have both become suto lesbians and he has a strap on that God gave him.  I am very appreciative and I feel he is so much more uninhibited.  I am ultra girlie and I adore dressing up in elegant fashions like Samantha from sex and the city. So I thought I would be open-minded as I have previously dressed up many of my gay friends in drag for shows. I dressed up my husband and made him up as I am a professional cosmetic artist. We discussed everything from my concerns of deceit and living a double life as he is a truck driver. I see him every two weeks on average for a short stints so trust is at the forefront in any relationship. He knows that I don’t feel comfortable with him cross dressing when he is away as this is all new for me.Ultimately we are soul mates and for all I know in my past life I could have been the man and he the woman. God definately has a sense of humor and his grace helps me see that I am truly blessed for my princess husband. Girl power! I pray for your wife’s understanding and compassion. You will both get through this. Best wishes!

  • Trish

    I had been dating my boy friend for 6 months before I found out that he is a cross dresser. Was I surprised, OH yea , because I had never met such a manly man. He is a police officer and goes fishing and all of the usual manly things but thinking back I had caught him I could see that softer side of him.

    I had gotten to his house early and decided to fold his laundry and found panties and bras and nighties in the laundry so being the curious type I am I looked in his dresser and found a whole drawer full of panties and another with bras. He has more than I do lol. Anyway when he got home about 30 minutes later I asked him about them. I didnt confront him because that would only have made the conversation harder. He had a scared look in his eyes and told me about his dressing and that he had been doing it since he was a teenager. He now in his 40s. As we talked I realized this wasnt justa “thing” for him, it was a nicessity. I also realized that the man I have fallen in love with was still the same man but I had just found out something else about him. We must ahve spent 2 hours talking and he showed me all of his cloths and modeled some for me. That was almost 6 months ago and since then I have moved in with him. I support him with his dressing and actually enjoy it. We have nights that we have some great girl time and then there are nights that I want a full man in bed with me and he understabds and has no problem with it.

    I guess what I am saying is that ladies if you had a good husband before you found out he is a crossdresser then you need to realize that his dressing is probably part of the reason he is that good man. I would bet that if you really look at yourself he has accepted things about you that he could have walked away from. After reading so much on here and the rest of the internet I fully understand why crossdressers are afraid to come out with it. Talk to him and support him. Let him know your concerns and limits. Other than sometimes wanting him in bed as a man I have no limits. In fact I have started to encourage him to go out dressed. Guess what had happened, our relationship gets stronger daily.

  • Miranda69

    My first wife left me when she found out I was wearing her clothes. After this , when I was sure my next relationship was sound , i told my partner about it . She was abit upset , but tried to understand me . After a few weeks , she accepted I would always do this , but set ground rules , not in her clothes , so she bought me stuff to fit , and no heels , no make up , no wig , I was just to be me , in lingerie and a dress, not a pretend woman. Over the years , I have pushed the bounderies a bit , and now have jewellry and heels , and I am content as I am , and she supports me through buying me clothes , and helping with look and fit, I am lucky to have her ,